Chains of failed crack!
by Nartog
Summary: A... different take on giving Shinji and Rei powers. Was trying for a crack fic, in my view it ended up as semi-humorous at best... Other title 'Or how i learned to love the blade of Olympus' Shinji/Rei One shot Happy ending.


_Disclaimer. Neon Genesis Evangelion and all its characters and settings and items and anything else related do not belong to me nor do I lay any claim towards them._

_To the best of my knowledge and understanding they are the property of Hideaki Anno and studio Gainax as well as numerous other people or companies unknown to me. This sorry excuse for a plot is mine though as is the mysterious Man/Being though._

_I do not earn any money through this piece and it is created solely for the purpose of entertainment and/or perhaps education(unlikely as it may be) of those who read it and it is of course free._

_If you liked this story then please consider supporting the companies and people who own Neon Genesis Evangelion by purchasing the manga, anime, games, films, toys and various other related merchandise and items._

* * *

Shinji was once again following the trail back to his uncle's house, a dejected look was marring his young face. _'why did she have to be so cruel, all I did was ask her out!' _thought our still innocent hero, though not for much longer if a certain trolling god had anything to say about it.

A melody reached young Shinji's ears, it sounded almost like.. whistling! He lifted his eyes from the pavement and actually looked in front of him his troubles forgotten for a moment, there a few meters ahead of him a weird looking Man was lost to the world as he walked to his destination whistling, quite badly to the boy's young ears, a familiar tune. Unnoticed by the stranger his backpack's straps came undone and the heavy looking item fell to the floor with a loud thud.

The child's eyes widened, he rushed towards the being but by the time he had reached the backpack the stranger was far ahead, "Hey mister! YOUR BACKPACK!" screamed the boy only to notice as the Man turned left in an alley that he had his eyes shut and was wearing earbuds all the while whistling his tune. Shinji cringed when he noticed that the stranger had started to perform some weird moves that to his mind no doubt were awesome dances, _'he can't dance, he is atrocious at it...' _thought the child in a deadpan.

A few universes away a certain hero, a certain commander felt that someone had gravely insulted him/her and a good friend of his/hers. He/She decided it was time to punch something, he/she headed to the hangar "Oi Wrex, up for a spar?" said the commander with a strange gleam. Garrus gulped and wisely choose to disappear under the mako while the rest of the crew decided visiting the mess hall was a good idea. Certain mechanical monstrosities felt shivers run through their tentacles, perhaps the cycle could be delayed for 50.000...no 100.000 years sounded much better, yes...

Our young hero had no idea about all that though, seeing the stranger disappear he tried to drag the backpack towards the alley he saw him turn, much to his dismay he found that while he could carry the backpack it was way too heavy for his young frame to carry it with any degree of speed.

With a huff he set it on the ground panting, "Maybe if I wait he will notice and come back?" mumbled the good child. After an hour or two passed the child got fed up, he opened his most recent source of woes and took a look inside. He gasped and fell flat on his ass.

Trembling hands and wide eyes reached for it again, he had seen correctly after all. Inside were two weird looking blades as well as two sets of chains and a hilt that by the looks of it belonged to one badass sword. Next to those though was one of those old console thingies his uncle talked about and it had certain strange looking boxes next to it, maybe these were the games.

A wide eyed Shinji took a step back, after his breathing was under his control again he closed the bag and waited once more, after some more time had passed curiosity nudged him towards it again. He opened it, the chains were almost glinting. "Shiny.." he said as he caressed them with his fingers, almost as if sensing his touch and had been waiting for it they exploded in a flurry of movement and encircled his wrists in an instant.

The child fell back and screamed out of fear, he felt a slight pinch over his forearms as the metal settled. Shinji gazed at the links circling his forearms, the chains were sitting there in an almost angelic manner only the halo of innocence missing.

He wasn't fooled, he tried tugging them of his frame. Grunts and screams as well what few curses the child had overheard echoed throughout the street. Panting he abandoned this most troubling development with a huff, "this just isn't my day," he all but sobbed "maybe that mister will know how to get them off."

As dusk approached and the temperature fell the child lost interest in waiting. With a huff and a sudden impulse he decided to carry the bag back to his place 'that will teach that meanie!' thought the child with conviction. With grunts and effort he headed home, _'strange'_ he thought _'it seems..lighter?'_ ' as he was carrying it, and his muscles looked a bit more defined. _'Nah'_ he decided _'just tired'_

* * *

A young Ayanami was laying on her bed reading when she sensed...something, in an instant she turned and found a nondescript Man standing a few meters away and giving her a soft smile tinged with..sadness and something?

As she extended more of her self and..her other powers she gasped and all but forgot everything regarding the creature's emotional stability. For there was no better word to describe the thing next to her, while still young the commander had taken her to the bowels of the base one. He had explained everything and what her purpose was to be. Irrelevant to all that the power she felt emanating from the Man made the latent energy she had felt from 'Lilith' or a good chunk of her genetic code as Gendo had put it and perhaps the origin of her soul seem irrelevant and insignificant.

Panicked she started to draw more and more from her reserves in a desperate attempt to take him with her, she would protect the commander!

Sensing the child's action the Man snapped out of his reminiscing. With nary a word and hardly a gesture from him Rei felt herself freeze. "I won't hurt you child, all I want is to give you a gift." he said in a soothing voice while he extended an open palm. Within it lay a simple golden ring, "Oh almost forgot," he said and gestured again "your 'commander' is not as good nor as innocent as you think." and with that he dropped the golden jewel next to the blue haired girl.

Meanwhile said girl was struggling to process a motherload of memories and info about possible futures and why most of the so called 'evangelion' dimensions were fucked up. Huh she knew advanced physics as well, go figure.

"That ring is now yours, you will discover it will be of great aid in... Well just about anything. Another thing, don't worry it can't be destroyed if I don't desire it, also if you happen to die it will resurrect you in a few moments. I wonder why that idiot didn't improve on his original design." he mumbled that last part more to himself confusing the poor child even more. "Anyway when the appropriate time comes I will be back to reclaim it, its a loan to you for now. Also so you don't feel cheated it will make you permanently stronger so when I take my little friend back you will be an almost unrivaled badass by yourself. As an extra gift don't worry about Nerv and Gendo, they will have far more urging problems for a week or two as well as a reaaaly bad case of diarhea. Toodles!" And with that the Super-God disappeared to troll someone else somewhere else.

The confounded girl, still trying to make sense of her memories, picked up the little jewel. It felt..warm and soothing to her palm and very soul. Almost as if protecting her was its only goal. Inside it was a description that had started to fade as she picked it up, _'One ring to troll them all...' _

* * *

A couple years later.

"Its time, send for him." stated Gendo badass commander of Nerv, to his mind at least.

"Are you sure that is wise, I mean perhaps if we waited a bit more..." said Fuyutsuki in a pleading tone. "I mean the reports on him were not exactly what we expected"

"Bah! So he is some sort of nerd who hates sun and social interaction, and he has been hitting the gym. So what, that makes him all the more malleable to our purposes." said an irritated commander waving off his subordinate's concerns while completely misinterpreting the data from the surveillance teams. Not that said teams were any better, they preferred arcades and donuts to actually watching the little bastard for the big bastard. So what if they made a few things up in their reports, its not like b.b (big bastard) would lift his fat ass and come see for himself.

_'F%$k, sorry Yui I tried' _thought the irritated professor as he once more failed to protect the spawn and last memory of the girl he not so secretly loved.

Unbeknownst to Gendo and the rest of Nerv including the surveillance team as well as any other residents of the solar system there was a reason why they were more stupid than usual. The cause of it all was was a teenaged blue haired girl currently enjoying ice cream at her favorite shop.

As she finished her treat she stood and headed towards the exit, before the owner could say anything her ring glinted and everyone forgot that the girl had been amongst them. Much less anything regarding payment.

Rei's lips formed an almost unnoticeable smile as she relished her freedom. Feeling a bit bored she exerted her will and looked through the commander's eyes and mind. Seeing his plan she scoffed, just before she was about to interfere she noticed the child that was to be dragged in all this and stopped. Her breathing quickened and a small blush appeared on her cheeks much to her confusion.

_'Well he seems interesting and if I interfere he won't come here so there!'_

_'Keep telling yourself that.' _answered the usually silent trinket in her mind

The poor girl blushed even harder.

Meanwhile said object of new found affection was a few hundred miles away. "Stop you scum!" he screamed in a loud voice as he was chasing the bank's thieves.

One of said thieves took a look from the rear view mirror and did a double take, that pale idiot was still after them? Wait, how was he keeping up with the car?!

Unaware of the troubled and deep thoughts rushing through his comrade's mind the steroid abuser of the team took one look and scoffed. "See how you like some of this!" he screamed and fired his shotgun.

"Ooof" was all the teenager said as the impact knocked him back but not before he had thrust one of his swords to the car.

"Hahaha, not so tough after all eh? Ohh yeah I am the man, oogg oggg!" said the buffoon flexing his muscles while the rest of the team facepalmed at their friends idiocy.

A tumble went through the car, "What the?" was all the driver managed to say before the sound of metal and plastic being cut, along with shattered glass reached his ears.

Shinji had deposited himself on the back seat, "Yo. You guys messed up big time," he said in a relaxed tone while the thieves stared inrediculusly at him "you see before you buffoons barged in I was chatting up this fine bird. Now you see being the victim of a robbery will shake a girl up, so forget about getting a date tonight. I want a girlfriend guys, I mean this was going so well but once more something had to happen and ruin it, I never get a break do I?" seeing the robbers reach for their guns he snorted "The way I see it you have two choices, either you stop this vehicle or you annoy me more, you don't want to annoy me more" he finished with a scowl.

They opened fire, after they stopped to admire their work their jaws hit the car's floor.

The pale child scowled and with a snarl unsheathed the blades from his back. "Nooo, no no no! This doesn't go theeeere. Ayeeee" having finished dishing out righteous punishment he dragged the sobbing wrecks to the police station and dropped them at the entrance.

He walked away muttering "Come on, why can't I get a break. All my friends have girlfriends what is it that I lack? Perhaps I need to workout more?" asked the oblivious being whose muscles were incredibly big for an adult nevermind a teenager.

The next day his uncle scoffed as he was reading his morning paper 'Pale lunatic strikes again! Another band of thieves promising to open a flower a shop once finishing their sentence'

"Pfff, who does that idiot think he is. Whoever he is he should know better than to play superhero." His nephew was on the console "Hah! Take that uncle, I beat your score."

Said man's eyes widened at that "What! You couldn't have possibly reached a higher score." he took one look at the screen and to his smug nephew's face "Arrgg! I will beat you again" he stated with conviction.

"Not now boys, there is a letter for you Shinji." said his aunt as she came into the room caring an envelope.

Seeing the seal on the envelope the old man paled, "Shinji son, come here" he said in a hoarse voice much to the confusion of his wife.

* * *

"Were is that little mongrel?!" screamed Misato as she was rushing through the streets of Tokyo-3 performing what she called 'safe driving' but anyone else would call sins against any sentient creature.

"Meaaaawh!" screeched a cat as it jumped out of Misato's warpath.

"Thanks to that little pain I didn't get my third breakfast beer!" yelled the irate woman, needless to say if you valued your life you didn't mess with the major's beer. Even the commander was leery of doing so especially after the 'incident'

"Oh 'Shinji' wait till I get my hands around you." said the girl with a...different smile promising pain on its unlucky recipient.

"Graaaahhhhh" was the answer from the oblivious boy startling the major, a few billboards and fire hydrants were murdered as a result.

With a screech from the tires Misato stopped the car and stared. Her jaw had almost hit the ground.

Amidst the barrage from the Vtol's and the point defense systems of the city a humanoid body was climbing the body of the angel, despite its best attempts and much to its chagrin the little pest remained firmly stuck and was climbing towards its face one small stab at the time, having already surpassed its chest and much to its relief its core without caring about it.

"YOU FILTHY TITAN STOP STRUGGLING GRAAAHHH" screamed the ignorant hero as with a powerful thrust his blade was embedded to the angel's face.

"Krieehhh" screamed the creature before an explosion of energy finally dislodged the danger from its body _'he ignores my absolute territory completely'_ thought the angel while performing the equivalent of a shiver.

'Bam'

Shinji landed a small distance from Misato, his landing causing a small crater were there once was a shop dedicated to honoring the commander of Nerv.

"Gah, this titan is annoying me." said Shinji with a snarl as he leaped from the crater unharmed.

The poor woman couldn't believe her eyes _'what is he?!' _she thought, as the boy prepared to rush at the enemy of humanity once more her mind rebooted into 'Misato Xp mode' again. She had tried the 'vista' upgrade but the results were not satisfying to say the least.

"Shinji! Stop." she screamed.

"Huh?" said the boy as he turned towards the voice calling him. As his eyes locked with that of the buxomed woman his eyes lit up in recognition and with a perverted smile and a giggle he trudged towards the poor girl sheathing his weapons, the angel all but forgotten.

"Misato, you came!" said Shinji, _'I wonder, why was my uncle worried, sure the old coot wanted me to come for whatever reason but this cu__t__e girl wants to meet me. Perhaps I will get a girfriend at last!'_ thought an oblivious and happy Shinji.

The woman in question gazed at her reason for beer deprivation and was struggling with her self preservation instinct whether to struggle him or not.

"Oh yes Shinji, please get in the car." she said with a sickly sweet smile.

The oblivious male shrugged, he was about to experience the only thing capable of causing him fear. "So were are we going?" he asked

"Ohh its a surprise." said the major while ominous music played in the background.

"So Misato when will go on a date?" asked the always blunt male as said woman finally drove them out of the city. A tick appeared on her forehead and her eye was twitching, she turned her head and gave him a long gaze "Oho, already hitting on poor old me? Well tell you what once we get to Nerv I will tell you." she said while a 'joker approved' smile graced her lips.

"Wuh?" was all the mini Kratos managed to say before Minato stepped on it cackling madly.

Now I won't say that Shinji let loose a girlish scream during the whole trip but I also won't say he didn't.

* * *

"So it was nothing eh?" said the professor pinching his nose.

A pale Gendo tried to placate his teacher "N-now now sensei we all make mistakes". After all while he was the undisputed evil mastermind of the world the one thing he feared other than his wife was a pissed of Fuyotsuki.

"Sigh, and how do you plan to control him now if you have too mmh?"

The commander was silent for a few moments staring at the camera feed, "Prepare Rei, seeing what an idiot my son has turned into to I have a feeling he will fall for the classic 'innocent maiden in danger'," he stayed silent for a bit "also judging by his reaction if he is disobedient we can threaten him with an extended driving trip courtesy of Misato.

Fuyotsuki winced at that, "Can't blame him, that woman is a devil when she holds a wheel."

"Indeed." was all a shivering commander mumbled trying and failing to suppress the bad memories.

* * *

"So does Friday suit you Shinji dear?" purred Misato next to our wide eyed hero.

They had made it there in record time, so what if a few road signs and animals had 'accidents' along the way.

The ghost of eva only gave a nod before jumping out of the car.

"Huh, so you found him. And would you look at that you made it here in time as well, will wonders never seize?" said a sarcastic Ritsuko staring at her long time friend.

Shinji's eyes widened as he gazed at the pretty scientist and for once his snarl was replaced with a smile, "all these girls I will finally get a girlfriend!" he exclaimed in happiness ignoring his surroundings.

Akagi gave the skipping boy a weird look before turning to her friend, "Whats up with him?" she asked pointing to the pale menace.

She shrugged, "I don't know nor do I want too at the moment. All I know is that I am waaay to sober for this," seeing her friend about to interrupt she finished first "If you want to know what I am talking about take a look at the security cameras assuming we survive this mess." The scientist gave a nod.

Just before they reached their super secret destination a bunch of dejected looking government officials passed them by.

"Whats up with them?" asked a curious Misato.

"They just tried to off the angel with an N2 mine, I guess this particular bunch didn't take the news that they are irrelevant in all this particularly well. The more hardassed amidst them are still in the control room.

"Wait they threw a bomb?" screamed the purple haired woman. She thanked her lucky star that the boy had pissed her off enough to punch it, otherwise think the damage her preciou...errr her car would have sustained!

"Shinji ikari, this is the reason you have been summoned." stated the scientist in a dramatic tone while the lights turned on at just the right moment, _'I always wanted to do that'_ she thought.

Meanwhile our hero just gazed at the monster in front of him.

With deliberate slowness he unsheathed his blades from his back and took a protective position infront of the two women, "this one seems different than the one outside, so you want me to kill them both. I am guessing this one is the strongest of the Titans and must be killed first before I destroy the escaped one?" snarled the pale menace.

Akagi looked at him with an inrediculous gaze, "No! You are meant to pilot the evangelion, how else could you fight an angel. With your bare hands and those knives?"

Seeing the major giving her a pointed stare, "What?"

"Please, just see the tapes afterwards" was all Misato said as she pinched her nose.

Forestalling more killing of precious brain cells the dev...eerrr Gendo appeared.

"Son" he said in the appropriate dramatic tone.

Stopping mid retort the teenager looked towards the balcony were his father had appeared.

"Hello father, what do you want." he snarled.

"You will pilot the machine and fight the angels." said the commander in a monotone.

"Wait there are more of those Titans out there?" asked Shinji with a mad gleam.

"Err yes." said a disturbed Gendo.

"No"

He almost felt like smiling, "So you will not fight the angels?"

"I will destroy the beasts, I just don't see the reason for me to use this ugly fat Titan," he emphasized the point by jutting his thump unbeknownst to him to his now pissed off mother "when I am perfectly capable of doing it on my own." said the boy in a proud tone while flexing his impressive musculature.

Ritsuko felt her brain die as she watched the sheer stupid pour out of the two Ikari's, meanwhile her friend was gazing at Shinji in an entirely new light.

"You will pilot it!"

"No"

"You will pilot it!"

"No"

"You will...needless to say this went on for quite a while and were it not for the angel getting closer to terminal dogma and causing tremors the two boys would still be at it.

"Very well, Fuyutsuki bring Rei the spare won't do it"

A young girl was carted into the room half her body in a cast, while everyone gazed at her illusion Rei entered the room licking a scoop of ice cream her ring gleaming with power.

"You intend for her to pilot in such a condition?!" exclaimed Shinji in full 'righteous shounen hero indignation mode'

_'Finally the young annoyance acts according to plan' _thought an exasperated Gendo, "Yes" was all he said out loud making sure that his glasses gleamed in the proper evil genius way.

As another quake raced throughout the base rubble fell towards the 'hurt girl', seeing this the ghost of eva rushed and grabbed the illusion shielding it with his body just as the rabble that escaped the eva's extended hand impacted his form.

Rei's eyes widened at the selfless act and a small smile graced her lips.

"Fine I will do it." spat the hero oblivious and uncaring as he shrugged of debris and weight from his form that would have crushed an untrained human. "What?" he asked seeing everyone's gaze fixed at him.

"Err this way ikari." Said the wide eyed scientist.

* * *

"You will have to wear this, its form fitting so it helps for better connection with the eva."

Shinji thought about her explanation for a moment, she had explained everything eva while leading him here, "Wait why do I have to wear this, can't I just be naked?" he asked curious.

"Err yes but its to protect your modesty."

He scoffed, "I don't care about that" and with that his pants were off.

A lot of the female technicians, as well as a quite a few male ones, gazed in appreciation. Ritsuko took all this in stride, '_Misato was right, I am way to sober for this sh...'. _

She sighed, "Very well its your call pilot, just put these on your hair." she said as she threw some clips at him.

Shinji gazed at the offending items stupidly before complying, he was thankful at the moment that he had decided to not shave his head but simply crop it quite close to his skull.

Having done that he proceeded to climb to the entry plug under his own power, displaying the full extent of his agility and dexterity.

"Now Shinji prepare to...Wait what do these swords and chains do on your body, discard them" screamed the good doctor.

The confused demigod looked around the plug trying to locate the source before a holoprojection appeared displaying the face of the irate woman, "I can't, even if had a desire to do so. Which I don't by the way, they have been stuck to my body for some years now. After I am finished with that beast outside you are quite welcome to try your hand at it lady." he said while wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

Akagi snorted in response.

"I am way out of your league boy, start the activation sequence." she said to the awaiting bridge bunnies.

"Starting primary sequence." said random bunny 1# with fervo.

"Initiating Lcl rush." said random bunny 2#

"Preparing... you get the idea.

Meanwhile while all this was going on a bored Shinji was sitting idly inside the cockpit bored out his skull, "Shinji!" she said something finally, "Prepare yourself for the mind meld."

"Huh?" was his eloquent answer, in response to that he felt something make contact with his mind and try to establish dominance. Needless to say he didn't take well to invaders in his property.

The whole eva seemed to shake for a moment and it almost groaned before stabilizing, "Doctor," screamed random bunny 5#, "Look at these readings! He has achieved a synch ratio of 400!"

Akagi's eyes widened to comical proportions, "That should be impossible, open the channel." she said in panic. To their relief their most recent source of pain was intact and sitting there, bored even.

Misato having been watching all this time decided that enough was enough, if the 'boy wonder's' track record was any indication this was only the beginning. So with that and a well thought "Eff this" she mysteriously drew a six pack from somewhere and cracked the first beer open.

The commander was about to protest his subordinate's actions before a chilling glare courtesy of the buxomed woman froze him in his place, _'I will allow it, after all I am a gracious commander'_ he thought frantically to himself trying to justify the pant-shitting fear he felt.

"Err are you ok Shinji, no problems?" said the scientist oblivious to the by play.

"Yes, but your machine is annoying. It tried to give me a headache."

Maya sweat dropped while her sensei groaned, _'this is what he calls the intensity of the connection?' _thought the poor girl.

"1..2...3," mumbled the faux blond to herself before regaining her composure, "Very well pilot, proceed to the launch pad."

The boy did so and with a cry of 'launch' has propelled to the surface.

"Still think this was a good idea?" asked the sarcastic professor to his long time student.

"Nobody likes a told you so teacher." whined Gendo.

Misato was already on her 5th six pack. Rei, not the illusion, was having a grand time messing with a drunk Misato's hair while watching the camera feeds.

* * *

With a loud thud the giant robot appeared as the elevator reached its destination. "Next stop women's appar..." said a synthesized voice before being abruptly silenced by the angel's beam weapon.

"Damn it hag, talk me through this what are the beast's offensive capabilities?" asked the hero, eager as ever to dish a healthy serving of payback to anyone that annoyed him.

Ritsuko's eyebrow twitched while Maya let out a soft meep, heavens even Misato stopped mid-belch at the dangerous aura her friend emitted. _'Oh I will enjoy this.' _

"Why Shinji dear, you have a knife!" she said with a sweet smile.

"chirp...chirp..." crickets were heard as the two titanic beasts fought while Shinji tried to process what he had just heard.

.

.

.

.

"You," 'BAM' "Seriously mean," 'THUG' that was the uppercut courtesy of the dismayed angel "Ghhh, ohh you want to play it like that eh?" 'CLONK' and with that swift kick to the angel's...sensitive area he bought some time with which to converse like a normal person.

"All I have to fight this beast is a kitchen knive? Pfffff" and with that Shinji put his impressive but rarely used to its full extend mind to full use, a bright light exploded from the eva as he bended physics and causality over his impressive knees.

"GRAAAHHH" and with those words of wisdom as well as an explosion the eva's new form was revealed.

Akagi was silent, 'THUD' that was her head meeting the desk "He didn't," 'THUD!' "Just use the AT field," 'THUD!' at that even the nearby glasses started to shake.

"Come on sensei rest for a bit ehehehe" said a nervous Maya while dragging a sobbing Ritsuko with her.

"Ahh that is much better" said Shinji his modifications of the beast complete. It now resembled him, what with its newly generated giant muscles as well as the glowing chains and blades affixed permanently to its form from now on, in its back and forearms.

The angel stared and blinked, it blinked again _'Maybe mama was right I should have opened a bakery'_ was all Sachiel managed to think before a glowing blade was embedded in its torso.

"Krieeehhh" it shrieked in pain.

"Ahh yes now we are talking" said the pale sadist in his rambling and loud voice, as with a mighty tug of the chain the beast flew towards him.

_'Oh shi- oh shi!'_ thought the poor angel before a hypersonic fist approached his poor flesh.

'Kara-ck', that was the sound of the mask shattering as it met Shinji/eva's fist at hypersonic velocities. Sachiel flew back as if it had met the fist of an angry god, wait it did. Needless to say the city had more to fear from their 'protector' than from the enemy at this point, as the energy required to move that big a fist at such velocities as well as move such a huge body that great a distance released a cascading wave of energy that made an impression in the nearby infrastructure.

"Shinji, stop destroying the city!" screamed a semi-sober Misato, having retaken command seeing her friend's nervous breakdown. Meanwhile a mischievous Ayanami was watching the proceedings with great interest while groping the purple haired woman, needless to say Misato was confused as no one was next to her _'I need more beer' _she thought while shaking her head in a firm manner and cracking open another one. Rei smiled.

'BAM' a fist impacted the groaning angel's body 'THUMP', "Mwaahahahaha take that and that and..." with a sad whoosh the eva stood still.

"What the?" screamed the pissed of hero, angry at having his fun time interrupted.

Ritsuko groaned as even the control bridge switched on to the emergency power, "What did you think would happen at you expending so much energy at your shenanigans you buffoon? Now we are all doomed."

Ignoring the blackout his actions had caused around Japan in order to feed his machine's At field, its not like it had a power generator say a core of its own now was it, he scoffed. "Pfff there is a reason why I prefer to do thinks the old fashioned way grahhhh" and with these words of wisdom and amidst the inrediculous gazes from the bridge he gave a mighty kick to the entry plug's guts. And another and another, at the third and with the whole eva shaking a huge fragment blew off from the boy's general location. "Ahh that is better" said the butt naked hero as he admired the cool night air blowing gently between his... you know.

The army officials just stared, "Did he just?"

"He did" said another.

"Ikari," started the leader of the bunch as he turned towards the commander, "assuming we survive all this you shall have to give us samples of your genetic material, I honestly don't know what you have been eating but if you can help us produce more supermen of his caliber" he said while jutting his thump at the screen "Who am I to judge."

Gendo for his part had assumed the 'Gendo pose' to appear in control of course, but more to the point in order to hide his hanging jaw at his son's impossible antics.

The angel seeing the mechanical monstrosity immobilize as well as the pointy pain staby things lose their glow dared to hope, oh how wrong the poor creature was.

With a soft crack Shinji landed from his drop from the eva's most recent hole.

The angel looked at the puny creature and remembered what it had done to it a few hours ago, then it gazed at the eva. It made the connection of who was pilloting, if it could cry it would be bawling by now.

The pale ghost for his part only unsheathed the blades from his back and gave a sadistic smile at his new toy.

"Wait did anyone tell him what he had to do to kill the angel?" asked a startled Akagi.

Seeing everyone's dumb stares she groaned, so severe was the situation that even Rei stopped probing the commander with an invisible, to him and everyone else, stick while sucking a strawberry lollipop. She even let out a small gasp.

"We are screwed. And seeing how the dumb bastard left the communicator inside th..."

"Screeee!" came the scream of pain from the innocent Sachiel.

Everyone stopped and stared at the monitor as the pale monster proceeded to do ungodly things to the poor angel.

"Wait is he going to, oh god I think I am going to thr- bwahhhh"

"Is that a suplex?!" the ensuing crash and the small crater caused by the unlucky invader's body confirmed it "yes, yes it is." said another spectator in a deadpan.

Finally after 3 hours of non stop slaughtering and mad cackling as the poor beast regenerated most of the damage and tried to crawl away Shinji ended it by accident, "Hahahaha yes, come regenerate your feet the day is still young we still have much to do mwahahahaha." 'Sling' "Wuh?" was all the boy managed to say before the core exploded as it had been pierced by one of the randomly thrown blades.

The rush of blood covered Shinji who embedded the swords to nearby buildings to anchor himself to the spot. Seeing his enemy had disappeared he moaned "Oh come on, that red bulging thing is their weak spot?! And here I thought they were simply resilient, won't I ever find a satisfying opponent or a girlfriend?" asked our obviously deeply sensitive and caring hero.

Rei's eyes widened before a smile formed on her face as she started to plot new ideas.

Everyone else groaned while Gendo was banging his head to the table all pretenses be damned.

"Why. Won't he follow the plan?"

As if all his woes weren't enough, unit-1 (his wife) had finally had enough. She had been woken abruptly and she was cranky, as if that weren't enough her own son had called her fat and afterwards had been manhandled by said child with nary a care. To add insult to the injury she had then watched what her baby boy had become, in Yui's mind it was all her idiot of a husband's fault.

With a scream that sounded suspiciously like "GENDO" evangelion unit-1 went berserk.

Said commander paled while the professor decided that he had delayed his true passion for far too long, namely studying of modern art and office design. With that he dived under the desk pretending to study it, "Well at least she woke up." he said with a nervous grin. "Shut up sensei and budge a bit, there is room for two down there."

With a shout of 'Cool!' Shinji raced after his new opponent in order to subdue it.

At the moon Keel just stared at the live feed before gazing at each member of seele, "I am to old for this sh..."

* * *

(A short look ahead)

"Pilot Ikari."

Shinji turned and looked at the hot female blood trickling from his nose "Yes Rei?"

"You will go on a date with me." she stated.

"Hai!" said our hero while rivers of happiness escaped from his eyes.

* * *

"Hmm I like you two," said Shinji as he cast a speculative gaze to the broken forms of Toji and Kensuke "You both have spirit you shall be my pupils from now on."

The boys felt a shudder pass through their spines at these words.

"Oh! And before I forget you," he pointed at Toji "from now on shall be called nameless spartan 1 and you nameless spartan 2. Also shave your heads, you are not allowed hair until you finish basic training"

* * *

"What is he doing?!" exclaimed a desperate technician as he tried to count the numbers of physics laws the being they called the commander's son was breaking at the moment.

"I don't know nor do I care," said a drunk Ritsuko who was nuzzling to a happy Maya "All he said it that they are called Hyperion gates and will allow him instantaneous travel from wherever he is. So perhaps they are some sort of wormhole or stargate, he also said he was placing them all over the planet." she said before kissing her favorite technician.

* * *

Shamshel was nothing to write home about, Ramiel on the other hand was proving to be an annoyance to Shinji.

"Graaahhh" he screamed in anger as he once more was blasted backwards by the unappreciating git he was trying to introduce to his blades.

"Shinji," screamed Misato through the special communication system they had devised for our pale hero, since he didn't reside in the eva it had to be portable and resilient.

"I am ok Misato he is just taking longer than I expected to deal with."

"Oh its ok Shinji dear," she said with a devious smile "after all you still owe me that date"

At this Shinji paled, "Rei!" he screamed to his girlfriend "be prepared, we are leaving for an extended vacation after I finish this in a few moments" said the frantic godling.

"Hai Shinji"

With that our hero sheathed his blades and drew the awesome hilt which had captivated him when he was a child and had first found the backpack. With nary a flick and a gesture a wicked looking sword had extended were there once lay just a hilt, it glowed an etherial blue and translucent white.

"Ready or not you foul beast, have at thee!" and with that he charged.

The angel almost as if sensing its oncoming doom fired a barrage of beams one after the other but to no effect this time. Shinji had placed the olympian blade look alike in front of him and was absorbing the free energy, or as the sword would have called it free buffet.

He reached his foe and with a mighty jump soared clear over his enemy's top, "Graah" he screamed as with a downward thrust he unleashed a blue beam reminiscent of a half moon, his attack destroying the angel but also almost finishing the job it had started as the beam rended the earth below nearly in half almost exposing terminal dogma bellow.

A few dimensions away an unlucky, or lucky depending on your level of masochism, orange haired shinigami felt as if someone had just stolen his attack.

He landed with a loud crunch and proceeded to rush to his girlfriend's side, he picked her bridal style, much to her enjoyment if the soft smile she was sporting was any indication, and proceeded to haul ass to the nearest Hyperion gate which sensing its master's approach activated.

"SHINJI! YOU WON'T ESCAPE FOREVER MWAHAHAHA" screamed Misato in a mad manner.

* * *

"Mmh..."

"What is it dear Shinji?" asked Rei concern evident in her voice and eyes as she gazed at her love.

"Nothing I am sure, it almost felt as if someone was calling for me," gazing at his mischievous girlfriend he continued "also when will you tell me how you do that trick and no one notices us?" he finished in wonder and admiration.

"Its a secret!" she said in teasing tone before snuggling closer to the boy, the Hawaiian sun was blazing bright overhead.

Some distance away at a certain ship, a red headed girl was spiting and cursing in a mix of German Japanese and ancient Greek as she fought a most dangerous foe while the two nameless Spartans were praying to their god for aid. Needless to say no aid was given as Shinji and Rei were quite preoccupied at the moment with matters of a far more pleasurable and intimate nature.

At Tokyo-3 a cackling skeleton ghost driver which might or might not have been a certain purple haired woman that was too bored to go on the mission, was prowling the stress of the city spreading terror to everyone with her reckless driving.

* * *

"Oomph" said Shinji as he stood up.

"What is it beloved?" asked Rei

"My minions call me, in order for them to be so desperate something tremendously bad must have happened...Or they need more training."

And with that he returned to Tokyo-3 his girl in tow.

The meeting with the scarlet devil was an epic disaster to say the least, especially when Shinji took one look at their 'dangerous' enemy and proceeded to dispatch it through the simple method of simultaneous sword thrusts.

His two minions felt awed, that is before their lord upped their training. Their tears tasted sweet after all.

The couple sensing the red headed girl's deep insecurity and problems extended her a hand of friendship, it would take time but the girl would mend.

* * *

"So it resides inside that volcano"

"Yess?" asked Ritsuko sensing that something disturbing to science was about to occur once more.

"Asuka you won't go." said Shinji in a firm tone.

Seeing the girl about to protest Rei intervened, "We have every confidence you would defeat it should it come to that, but why risk it when there is a safer alternative? You are our friend after all" she said simply.

The poor girl was a mass of conflicting emotions before dealing with them the tsundere way, "Stupid!" she said before smacking Shinji's head. "Be careful ok?"

The boy just smiled before making a slashing motion with the hilt causing the appearance of that epic sword once more. A maelstrom of blue energy filled the volcano eradicating all matter within it almost reaching the outer core.

* * *

During the Matareal mess Shinji was nowhere to be seen, mainly because he was hiding from Misato with Asuka playing protector for him, having decided that she would protect her precious people from the evil clutches of the beer drinking witch.

The good news was the two boys training was finally paying off, while the epic fight between kaiju/ghost driver Misato and Asuka in her eva was going on the two stooges dispatched poor Matareal.

* * *

The next few angels besides a few gimmicks were nothing special but things changed with the arrival of Leliel. Although the defenders efforts were valiant it was in vain against something so powerful.

Shinji arrived in all his majestic glory and with a jump slashed at the floating thingie, only for his attacks to sail harmlessly through and for him to fall inside the dirac sea.

The angel almost as if it had been waiting exactly for this closed in on itself in an instant, as if to trap the terrible being within it in a suicide attack.

"Nooooooooo!" screamed Asuka seeing one of her precious people disappear. Rei although pale layed a comforting hand having faith.

Despite his impressive power Shinji was not a full god although he had been growing stronger day by day, in his current state we would endure but he would not survive an alternate, and hostile at that, dimension.

A few days later a brilliant eruption of power blanketed Tokyo-3, the center of the beam hit a remote spot in the moon ruining the day of some old geezers.

Amidst the shower of dead angel chunks stood a giant Shinji his full power available to him at long last, all 3 of his blades shining brightly on his golden form. A shrunk Shinji was comforting a bawling Asuka while sharing a tender embrace with his girlfriend, Rei.

"You stupid stupid...I thought you died!" cried the poor redhead girl.

"I did," seeing her startled gaze he continued "It had to happen, also Death is not the end. If you have a strong enough will and desire its only an inconvenience at best, besides this world's Hades has long been empty of guardians and jailers. After I kissed it, it only took me a few hours to climb back up. Also Rei," he said gazing at his girl, "I met him again, he gave me this final power up and also said its time."

With that he touched her and the same golden glow of godhood that was in Shinji was now in her as well, _'Goodbye lass, stay safe I will miss you...' _said the ring as it disappeared from her finger returning to its owner.

Needless to say with two full powered Gods the rest of the angels stood no change. When poor Tabris came he was the recipient of a massive hug by the two super beings, after a quick alteration he was once more the master of his own fate entirely. Free from his fate or even a possibility of becoming a mindless Adam once again.

"So this was one of the worlds you desired Shinji-kun" said Kaworu with a soft smile watching the happy couple, his family, lay content under the sun holding hands, Rei's head touching Shinji's shoulder as she lay napping. All was well.

* * *

The end?

* * *

_(Author's notes) This plot bunny had taken residence a long time ago, about the same time I wrote, it was not in vain, I think. I originally wanted this to be a crack fic, but the material I had to work with, namely eva and god of war made my job tough, add to the fact that I am not the best of writers and well... Perhaps I did manage to make it humorous and hopefully it will cause you guys to laugh at some points but by my very strict standards (sigh yes I will admit I am a perfectionist) its semi-humorous on its best day. Good think though I wrote an eva fic at long last, and a Shinji/Rei at that!_

_Also I was asked some time ago why I write, I write because I find joy in shaping worlds, and giving happy endings all around I like happy endings! GIGA DRILL BREAKKERRR!...errr sorry got carried away there. As I was saying I like happy endings and of course I am a big believer in Shinji/Rei if you somehow missed it in the above eye sore of text. _

_But besides all that there is another very important reason as to why I write, quite badly by my and any professional's standards, that is to inspire other people to write and to provoke new ideas. And perhaps even to give hope. In my favorite fandoms I see the same ideas and cliches being thrown around again and again, while I know I am no well of originality I can only hope to spark the flame, the spiral inside all of us! Go write, Go change the world to be a better place for all of us so that no one will ever have to be alone ever again. Inspirational speech for the day done I believe that by the time you will be reading this the new Cosmos series episode 2 will have aired, while I can't promise to know if it will be good its worth a watch go!_

_Regarding the story, Shinji was given powers based on Kratos from god of war, in the games lore if I remember it correctly the chains channeled the power and wrath of the god of war to Kratos while he was mortal making him uber powerful. In this vain in this story Shinji channels a small portion of power and the kindness of the Man. Also with time they slowly cause him to ascend to godhood. And yes he was given a copy of the blade of Olympus crafted just for him, heavens he even got the cool hilt trick which the Man's own sword has. Also for the lore detailed obsessed people the blade while not fully charged with divine power you could say its half charged. Rei got the Man's personal crafted 'one ring' as a loan. Its an improved version of the ring from lord of the rings, also it doesn't corrupt its wielder nor harm him, and yes she will retain the power she obtained while she had it, just not the multiplier the ring gave her. Think super saiyan transformation boost. But then she gained Godhood same as Shinji at the end so..._

_As for Misato, one night while she was drunk the Man appeared and told her he would give her powers to 'enhance' her driving, thinking nothing of it being uber stoned she agreed and so she became...Ghost Driver, the terror of all walking things in Tokyo-3 and beyond. Her powers are permanent, think about that and shudder for all pedestrians._

_Also Asuka more or less turned into a female Naruto once given some love._

_I wanted this to be a one piece that's why its so short and why I skipped the scenes at a rapid pace._

_By the way here is some more writing advice from a bad writer :P...wait that is a bit of an oxymoron ain't it... oh well. Just write guys, your first efforts may or may not suck but with effort you will improve. BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU!...errr ok sorry again, in order to get an idea what I am talking about look at my first posted fic. (and no I ain't taking it down or improving it, it will stay as is. To remind me were I came from) It sucks no doubt about it. Now look at my newer fics, starting from it was not in vain...Ok they still suck but a lot less. Also as you write try not to follow the path of the original story._

_What I mean, if you for example give Naruto everything and the kitchen sink in powers what reasons does he have to remain in Konoha and for the series to process in exactly the same manner._

_...I am saying all that yet I did not deviate from the standard eva path that much in this story myself _ Anyhow remember the proverb for want of a nail... if you make an alteration it will snowball._

_Until next time, I BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN MYSELF GIGAAAA DRRILLLLL BREAAAAAKKKKEEERRRRR! _


End file.
